lately i have been plagued by a certain thought. it keeps reoccurring in my mind. i ignored it at first, but it continued to knock steadily at my conscience. i know it sounds cheesy, but it first occurred to me as i was listening to brad paisley. maybe you have heard it...it is his song called, "letter to me." in the song he is speaking to a younger version of himself. he tells himself to take time and treasure certain moments... after listening to it, i thought about what i would say to a younger me... but then i was distracted by another thought and didn't breathe life into a letter of my own.
this past weekend we were at the women of faith conference and one of the brilliant women shocked the thought back into existence. she spoke of a letter that she had written to herself, and as she shared her heart with each of us, i sat quietly in my seat as i, too, dreamed up what i would write to myself...but i never wrote.
tonight, as matt and i were coming back to town from a night with his fam, our conversation was filled with talk of how we would do some things differently in our lives thus far. the thought of this letter to myself again loomed in my mind. as we sat in the car sharing sweet conversation, i vowed that i was going to write down the things that had continued to tap me on the shoulder of my mind. so that is what this post is all about.

hey eesh...

it's me, or you...umm...i know that sounds weird and all, but keep reading. in the end i hope to make sense of this. first, i want to say that your life isn't always going to be easy. sometimes it sucks, but don't you dare give up because you get some amazing treasures along the way.
let's start from the beginning i guess... mom and dad's divorce...it happens, but don't worry. because of that you get to know your dad. in fact, you two have a really great relationship because of it. learn from him. he has a heart of gold.
as for your momma. you learn so much from her. and it turns out that momma's make the best friends. always tell her you "love her more..." you two never grow out of that game.
and as for mandy... you two don't always get along. to be completely honest, you rarely get along, but treasure her. shortly after you graduate from high school she moves away and you don't get to see her much. you may be surprised to hear it, but you miss her...a lot. so be careful about what you say to her. you two exchange many hateful things in the midst of anger, but they cut deep on both parts, and they are wounds that take much time to heal. don't forget to tell her you love her. for some reason you struggle with that. be prepared, you start to miss her. don't worry though, she marries an amazing man and has two of the most beautiful little girls you've ever seen! (and you make a smokin' hot aunt!)
remember that family is so important. don't forget to hug your grandma ann. play another round of cards. someday the cards won't be there anymore...and your grandpa raymond... always ask him to tell you another story. you never get too old to hear one of his stories. memorize each word and hold it dearly in your heart.
try not to stress too much in middle school...there is so much more beyond it! don't ever let anyone tell you that you aren't good enough, or pretty enough, or smart enough. believe in yourself. never let a boy rule your world. broken hearts will heal, and better things will come. don't kiss too many frogs...the one you want is already a prince. it just takes you a while to recognize it. but when you do, oh girl, it's good! hold onto him...he'll be your warrior...your hero.
speaking of hero... there will be a time when you'll doubt God. things will look bad...real bad, but He's there, and He's carrying you the whole time. Don't stop searching the Word for truth. it hits you like a ton of bricks! remember that when people forsake you, God is there... don't live to please people... their rules and opinions are fleeting, but God's grace is infinite. don't forget that.
and when your life seems like it is a mess, run to God. He is such an amazing Father who has never left you. He knew you before you knew yourself...don't try to figure it out alone. just fall apart in front of him. He knows how to put you back together. And He does... time and time again.
Love with passion. Laugh with gusto. Sing with joy in your heart. And LIVE your life without fear. "For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind." (2 Timothy 1:7)

as brad paisley (i know you don't know who that is, but you'll like him later on...) says, "i'll see you in the mirror."

on your way to beautiful,

you

well...here i am. exposed in the bloggers' world. this may or may not affect anyone other than myself, and that's okay. i'm here...
as i sit here alone in front of this computer screen, i am thinking about how life-changing this past weekend was for me. i got a chance to go to women of faith with melissa, kayla, and heather...and it was amazing! i only wish i could bottle up the incredibly intimate moments that i shared with my God and give them to everyone i could. i was in desperate need of this weekend. as i look back, i realize the slow fade into which i had fallen. the passionate flame which once raged like an inferno in my heart had dicipated to nearly nothing over a time. this weekend kindled the fire...and for that i am very thankful.
to the amazing women who keep women of faith alive: i thank you. you are all beautiful, and God uses each of you in a captivating way that changes lives.
i don't want this to be one of those "camp highs" that people always have when they come back from church camp in their adolescent years. it is worth too much to me to just let it fade away.
tonight i was driving back to town from my dad's. i was listening to natalie grant (whom i also met at women of faith...she is amazing!!!), and one of my favorite songs came on. the chorus says, "i will stumble. i will fall down, but i will not be moved. i will make mistakes. i will face heartache, but i will not be moved. on Christ the solid rock i stand, all other ground is sinking sand. i will not be moved." it was a great moment in my car singing along with her...knowing that i'm going to struggle. i may fall, but the hand that i hold is holding onto me tighter that i can imagine, and HE is never going to let me go. i have a hard time wrapping my mind around why my Father would ever want me. i am such a mess...yet HE is molding me. HE sees me for what i can be (thank goodness!) and not what i am. HE sees me as beautiful...even when i'm still just on my way.